Ask and you shall receive;

As I wander down this new path of Christianity a lot has been brought to my knowledge, and sometimes it feels like more than you an handle but it never is. I have always always loved the verse "Ask and ye shall receive, knock and it shall be opened", but here is the thing about that. God has a sense of humor and when you ask for things, not only does he give it to you, he gives in quantities that sometimes melts, crushes, heals, and makes your heart soar all at once.

I have been kind of stagnate lately, I haven't been feeling the love or veil of excitement that I had when I first started immersing myself in church. I needed to feel that love and peace of the Spirit. So as I was at youth tonight, we were praying and I just prayed asking the Lord to open my heart and letting all my walls come tumbling down so that I could feel His present and love. And by golly, that did it. I don't want to go into too much detail of those moments, but it was something I will never forget. When you give it to the Lord and tell him basically "Okay, I'm here. I am yours, do with me and you see fit and let it be your will. Let's do it." some really amazing things happen. You experience some really outrageously amazing things.

I will go into detail of one great thing that happened, only because it has flipped my whole life upside down. Mormonism. Yep, good 'ol Mormonism. Now I am not here to tell anyone that what they do with their life is wrong, or what they believe is wrong. I also cannot tell you how to feel or what you should think or do. I am strictly speaking from my personal experiences and the things that have come upon me and my soul.

I was raised Mormon. I was taught all of the Mormon principals. One of which was that the fall of Adam and Eve was the "upright falling of humanity". That this sin needed to happen in order to fulfill the other commandment. THIS IS WRONG. This is news to me, I learned this last night. But this belief is wrong. Completely untrue. Yeah talk about a whirlwind for me. But not only was that something that rocked my world, listen to this. I was watching this guy talk about witnessing to a Mormon and how to phrase things and such. He goes on to say that Mormons will probably share their testimony and it will probably go something like this "I know this church is true. I know that Joseph Smith was a true and living prophet. I know that Jesus is my savior. and I know this church is true." As this guy was telling everyone about a Mormon's testimony, I went to a place and time way back when. I was 10 standing at the pulpit, after my dad had pushed me up there, reciting THESE EXACT WORDS. Word for word I said that at 10 years old because that is what you did. You were baptized, you gave your testimony, and you said these words. That was it, you didn't ask or question it. You just did it. Now, I don't know about anyone else, but that is kind of brainwashing a little bit. Okay, maybe more than a little bit. But definitely something that made me take a step back. My whole belief system, my whole life is wrong. This is the most exciting thing ever. I get to witness, and be washed new by this amazing God who loves me. I get to experience everything like a kid, and I get to learn new things and experience the amazing power of God.

I could say that my life was rough. And shitty, and not fair. But it is what it is, and I am beyond blessed. I have been saved. I have seen the truth, the light and the way and Jesus is so good. God is good. I just pray that if there is anyone who is questioning the Mormon religion, that they just pray. Seriously just pray to God. Don't recite what you were talk as a child, talk to God like you talk to your mom or your best friend. Ask Him to show you the truth, and He will. I pray everyday that my family can experience the truth and come to know God as the loving father that He is. And I pray for Mormons who are stuck, and don't know what to do but know that there is something better. You are loved, and you are being prayed for. Trust in the Lord, and all will be well.

One Year Later

This is going to be the hardest thing I have ever written but I need to get my thoughts out so that don't drown me. I have had the hardest year. The worst year. I have been in the dark place recently, and I don't know how I survived it.

I went through a rough break up. And I know everyone goes through their first heartbreak and its horrible and people make it through without royally screwing up their lives. But I didn't. When me and my ex broke up I was pregnant. I then had a miscarriage and was in the ER for a severe kidney infection. This lead to addiction to pain killers, which lead to excessive drinking and drug use. I then became promiscuous and lost my way. I know that seems extreme for something that to others isn't that big of a deal. But I couldn't handle it.

Growing up with the family I had, I have my issues. I try not to use that as an excuse for my behavior but it had affect my fears and insecurities. I have a fear of never being good enough to be loved for a whole life time. I have a fear that I will never be able to have children. I have a fear that I will be in an unloving marriage and my kids will have to witness that and not know what a good, loving marriage looks like. All of these things are understandable to some, but when all of these fear become real it takes such a toll on a person. I not only had a person who I loved, and thought I was going to marry, say they didn't know if they loved me or not; I had lost a child. I was pregnant with a baby, and beautiful, amazing soul and I couldn't keep it. These fears, in a matter of seconds, became very real and my heart and soul just could not take it.

Now, looking back on that period of my life I am sadden that I couldn't just look at life and say "God, you got this. I will let you lead me, because I know you have a better plan than I do." But I didn't think like that, because I am human. And humans mess up. 

So where does that leave me now? I am a saved, blessed, loved, and forgiven Christian. I took a semester off from school and decided to move across the country. My crazy self decided that to get over the trauma I needed to start fresh, I REALLY had to start fresh. But this has been the best decision of my whole entire life.

July 19th, the day I gave Christ my soul and my life. I went to church with my dear, sweet Aunt and during worship we sang a song that changed me. "I Won't Go Back". The title says it all. And man, I can't even describe what I felt while singing that song. You know that weight you carry on your shoulders every day? That feeling, that weight of the world, was lifted. My heart was lifted and my soul was at peace. I hope and pray that everyone in this world feels that at least once in their life. Just once. Because if every one felt that power, and that joy just once they would be saved. In an instant. No questions asked. It was that wonderful.

I have had a very unusually, crazy, horribly wonderful life. All my mistakes, and my sins were paid for. I don't have to bare them. I don't have to carry that weight, if I would just accept Christ and live my life through him and ask for forgiveness. That simple. That's it and I will have eternal life in Heaven with my God. How flipping cool is that? I mean, I can do that.

I just hope and pray, that if anyone ever feels like their sins are just too much to be forgiven that they know that they have already been paid for. Seriously, Christ suffered the ultimate price for us and our sins so that when we came to earth we wouldn't have to pay the price. Just remember that, every day. I sin every day, even though I have been saved. I sin every day. I am not perfect, and I never will be. But every day I thank God for His son, and ask for forgiveness for my sins and strive to  be more like God. That is all it takes, declare God as your God. Love Him, worship Him, and live like Him.

"I've been changed
Healed
Freed
Delivered

I've found joy
Peace
Grace
And favor

[Verse 1:]
I've been changed (I've been changed)
In the presence of the lord, I've been
(Healed)
Freed (freed)
Delivered (delivered)

In your presence lord
(I've found joy
Peace)
Grace (grace)
And favor (and favor)

And right now (right now is the moment)
Today (today is the day)
I've been changed (I've been changed)
I've been changed (I've been changed)
And I have waited (I have waited for this moment to come)
(And I won't let it pass me by...)

[Chorus:]
So we say
I won't go back, can't go back, to the way it used to be
Before your presence came and changed me
Say I won't
I won't go back, I can't go back, to the way it used to be
Before your presence came and changed me

[Verse 2:]
(All my shame
Guilt
Sins)
They've been forgiven (forgiven)

No more chains
Fear
My past (my past) is over (is over)

Say right now (right now is the moment)
Today (today is the day)
I've been changed (I've been changed)
Come on someone declare that, I've been changed (I've been changed)
And I have waited (I have waited for this moment)
This moment right here I have waited all my life (to come)
(And I won't let it pass me by...)

[Chorus:]
So we say
I won't go back, can't go back, to the way it used to be
Before your presence came and changed me
Would you lift up your voices as loud as you can and say?
I won't go back, I can't go back, to the way it used to be
Before your presence came and changed me
Come on, somebody, lift your voice and declare it and say
I won't go back, I can't go back, to the way it used to be
Before your presence came and changed me
Somebody say... I won't go back, say
I won't go back, I can't go back, to the way it used to be
Before your presence came and changed me."
~"I Won't Go Back" by William Mcdowell