So day one of my 30-day K-Love challenge has proven to bring tears to my eyes. I have found a song that just struck me because its literally exactly what I ask myself everyday. Am I worthy of His death? Did Jesus sacrificed himself for me? Do I get God's grace? This question haunts many of us in our lives. And sometimes the answer seems to be no, you are not worthy. But that is so not what Jesus taught.
God's love is vast and wide. His love is so great that one cannot even imagine the love He has for his children. And you are His child. All the sins you do in your life He already knows about, and loves you still. He sent his only begotten son so that you, one of an infinite number of souls, could return to His presence.
And if that makes you feel like a tiny dot on this huge piece of paper, think of yourself as your own unique color. And every person to have lived, living, or is going to live has their own unique color. So that colored dot that you are represents that God knows you, He has a specific plan for you, and He has hopes and dreams for you. He knows all the colors of all the dots so specifically that He knows the sins you have yet to commit. And wanna know an even crazier thing? HE STILL LOVES YOU.
After sinning, rather it be one time offense or a repeat offense, I constantly sit and ponder my worthiness of God's forgiveness. How could I, a person who knows of God and His commandments, be forgiven for breaking them? I get down on myself, I disobeyed God even though the commandments He set for us is not too difficult to follow. And just like that, I feel unworthy of Jesus's suffering. But Jesus suffered for our sins, so if no one is worthy of His suffering then what did Jesus suffer for? Or who did Jesus suffer for? You, and me.
The song "Someone Worth Dying For" by Mikeschair touched my heart.
"Am I more than flesh and bone?
Am I really something beautiful?
Yeah, I wanna believe
I wanna believe that
I'm not just some wandering soul
That You don't see and You don't know
Yeah, I wanna believe, Jesus, help me believe
That I am someone worth dying for."
Then it goes on...
"You're worth it, you can't earn it
Yeah, the cross has proven
That You're sacred and blameless
Your life has purpose
You are more than flesh and bone
Can't you see, you're something beautiful?
Yes, you gotta believe, you gotta believe
He wants you to see, He wants you to see
That you're not just some wandering soul
That can't be seen and can't be known
Yeah, you gotta believe, you gotta believe that you are
Someone worth dying for."
Know your value to God. Know that God has a plan for you. That no matter what you do in your life , good or bad, God still loves you and is waiting for you to return to Him. Just ask for forgiveness, repent, talk to God, and right your wrongs and you will be worthy of His death. You are a son/daughter of God and He knows you.
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Start a New Beginning at the End of a Chapter:
So, I have absolutely no experience with writing a blog or sharing my thoughts with others. But as my freshman year of college comes to close I think it's best for me to share some of my experiences. Some are good, and some are...well not so good. But before I get too far ahead of myself, you need to know a couple things about me.
I was born and raised in the Mormon religion, and no I don't have multiply mothers or anything weird like that. I was just raised in a stricter household. Rules that seemed normal to me growing up soon become strange and bizarre as I got older. Rules like no drinking coffee or anything contain caffeine, don't dress immodestly (like shorts about the knees, thick strap tank-tops are not acceptable). I grew up thinking having any physical contact with a boy before you were married was against God's will and I would go to hell. I was taught that Mormons were the only ones that could go to the highest level of heaven (yes there are levels in the Mormon religion), and in the highest level men would become Gods of their own world. I was taught that women were not suppose to know anything but how to raise children and keep the household kept and neat. My father is a very traditional man, and he believes strongly in these beliefs. I love my dad more then words can say, he is an amazing dad and he is a wonderful man. But as the years passed, I soon began to see the wrongs in the beliefs I was raised in.
At the age of 10 my parents got divorced, and mine and my two younger sibling's world turned upside down. 9 years later, things have finally settled down. Not only did my parents split up, my mom became a lesbian and we started to live with her girlfriend and her kids. Talk about a change in my world. I was raised to believe so strongly that being lesbian or gay was against God's will, and that he would send people to hell for it. Now, my absolutely amazing mother turned out to be gay. Talk about a shake in my beliefs. My teen years were rough. I switch houses, I kept going back and forth from the Mormon religion. I mean how could I belong to a church that condemned my mother to hell? My mom who taught me everything about the bible, who studied the bible every night and loved God more then any person I knew? How could my God, the merciful God I knew, send my mother to hell? It just didn't add up in my mind. But the Mormon religion is what I knew. It was comfort, and home and it was all I was taught to belief.
For years I went through the motions at church. I lost my way, and didn't feel God anymore. I thought because of my situation He had forgotten me, and condemned me to live with a women who was bound to go to hell. I never felt peace, and I hated the way I was living.
My senior year came along, and I finally found what I wanted in my life. I had amazing friends, and a best friend who helped me find God and know his love yet again. She doesn't know how much she helped me, but her constant love and her constant light that shone through her was what let me see God's love again. Senior year also brought college. Oh college. My father had already decided that I was going to go to BYU (Brigham Young University, Provo UT), a private Mormon college. I couldn't do that. I couldn't live through the Mormon culture, or beliefs anymore. I applied to other colleges and widen my horizon for colleges. I was so undecided where to go, I just felt because I hadn't had a dream college I would never find the college I belonged to. And then I came to a Minnesota college. It was perfect, and there was this peace inside me that I couldn't explain. I just knew this is where I needed to be. And my dad being the wonderful man that he is, he came with me on a tour and saw the love I had for this school. My decision was made, and my life was finally beginning.
Before I left for school, I had a couple very hard things to do. First, I had to get my name taken off the records to the Mormon church. This was by far the hardest thing I had to do in my life. My bishop was a man that I had grown to respect and love. He helped me through so much and I just couldn't disappoint him. But I knew that this religion was not for me, and no matter who I hurt in the process, I knew that this is what God wanted me to do. The other thing I had to do was tell my father that I wasn't practicing Mormonism anymore. Not only had I picked a state school, I wasn't going to a Mormon church, and I wasn't dating Mormon boys. I imagined the look of disappoint on my father's face and it killed me. But I had to or the constant pestering me about it would continue for the rest of my life. So I sat my father down and said bluntly "I am not Mormon anymore dad". Just like that, the words poured out of my mouth like the tears flowing from my eyes. My dad just looked at me, and said "You're still my daughter, and I love you and I wish you knew what I know but you will have to find it out for yourself. But know that I will never stop loving you, you are my daughter." This is why my dad is an amazing father, loves unconditionally.
So, just like that my life finally began and I knew what I wanted in my life. I found my God again, the God that doesn't hate or discriminate. So where does that leave me now?
Well I am currently not attending any churches, I read the bible when I can and I have found the most amazing man to share my life with. But I have so far yet to go.
Today, I took the K-Love 30 day challenge. 30-days of just listening to christian music. This will be a challenge, since summer is upon us I have the desire to listen to country music all day, every day. But this challenge will hopefully help me get closer to God.
So here goes nothing, I am gonna start this journey and see where it takes me. There is a lot of things I have yet to learn, but the lesson I have learned are invaluable and I wouldn't change my life for anything.
I was born and raised in the Mormon religion, and no I don't have multiply mothers or anything weird like that. I was just raised in a stricter household. Rules that seemed normal to me growing up soon become strange and bizarre as I got older. Rules like no drinking coffee or anything contain caffeine, don't dress immodestly (like shorts about the knees, thick strap tank-tops are not acceptable). I grew up thinking having any physical contact with a boy before you were married was against God's will and I would go to hell. I was taught that Mormons were the only ones that could go to the highest level of heaven (yes there are levels in the Mormon religion), and in the highest level men would become Gods of their own world. I was taught that women were not suppose to know anything but how to raise children and keep the household kept and neat. My father is a very traditional man, and he believes strongly in these beliefs. I love my dad more then words can say, he is an amazing dad and he is a wonderful man. But as the years passed, I soon began to see the wrongs in the beliefs I was raised in.
At the age of 10 my parents got divorced, and mine and my two younger sibling's world turned upside down. 9 years later, things have finally settled down. Not only did my parents split up, my mom became a lesbian and we started to live with her girlfriend and her kids. Talk about a change in my world. I was raised to believe so strongly that being lesbian or gay was against God's will, and that he would send people to hell for it. Now, my absolutely amazing mother turned out to be gay. Talk about a shake in my beliefs. My teen years were rough. I switch houses, I kept going back and forth from the Mormon religion. I mean how could I belong to a church that condemned my mother to hell? My mom who taught me everything about the bible, who studied the bible every night and loved God more then any person I knew? How could my God, the merciful God I knew, send my mother to hell? It just didn't add up in my mind. But the Mormon religion is what I knew. It was comfort, and home and it was all I was taught to belief.
For years I went through the motions at church. I lost my way, and didn't feel God anymore. I thought because of my situation He had forgotten me, and condemned me to live with a women who was bound to go to hell. I never felt peace, and I hated the way I was living.
My senior year came along, and I finally found what I wanted in my life. I had amazing friends, and a best friend who helped me find God and know his love yet again. She doesn't know how much she helped me, but her constant love and her constant light that shone through her was what let me see God's love again. Senior year also brought college. Oh college. My father had already decided that I was going to go to BYU (Brigham Young University, Provo UT), a private Mormon college. I couldn't do that. I couldn't live through the Mormon culture, or beliefs anymore. I applied to other colleges and widen my horizon for colleges. I was so undecided where to go, I just felt because I hadn't had a dream college I would never find the college I belonged to. And then I came to a Minnesota college. It was perfect, and there was this peace inside me that I couldn't explain. I just knew this is where I needed to be. And my dad being the wonderful man that he is, he came with me on a tour and saw the love I had for this school. My decision was made, and my life was finally beginning.
Before I left for school, I had a couple very hard things to do. First, I had to get my name taken off the records to the Mormon church. This was by far the hardest thing I had to do in my life. My bishop was a man that I had grown to respect and love. He helped me through so much and I just couldn't disappoint him. But I knew that this religion was not for me, and no matter who I hurt in the process, I knew that this is what God wanted me to do. The other thing I had to do was tell my father that I wasn't practicing Mormonism anymore. Not only had I picked a state school, I wasn't going to a Mormon church, and I wasn't dating Mormon boys. I imagined the look of disappoint on my father's face and it killed me. But I had to or the constant pestering me about it would continue for the rest of my life. So I sat my father down and said bluntly "I am not Mormon anymore dad". Just like that, the words poured out of my mouth like the tears flowing from my eyes. My dad just looked at me, and said "You're still my daughter, and I love you and I wish you knew what I know but you will have to find it out for yourself. But know that I will never stop loving you, you are my daughter." This is why my dad is an amazing father, loves unconditionally.
So, just like that my life finally began and I knew what I wanted in my life. I found my God again, the God that doesn't hate or discriminate. So where does that leave me now?
Well I am currently not attending any churches, I read the bible when I can and I have found the most amazing man to share my life with. But I have so far yet to go.
Today, I took the K-Love 30 day challenge. 30-days of just listening to christian music. This will be a challenge, since summer is upon us I have the desire to listen to country music all day, every day. But this challenge will hopefully help me get closer to God.
So here goes nothing, I am gonna start this journey and see where it takes me. There is a lot of things I have yet to learn, but the lesson I have learned are invaluable and I wouldn't change my life for anything.
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| My siblings and I at Myrtle Beach this spring break. My brother, Jake, and my sister, Ali. |
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