Trust; the ultimate test.

Trust, as according to the Merriam Dictionary, is the belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest, effective, etc. But when you ask someone what they think trust is, the definition varies and is usually applied to relationships. Trust is having someone come home to you every night and wake up to them and have them still love you. Trust is not cheating on a significant other. Trust is telling your parents the truth always and never lie about your where abouts.
Trust is something you have in every single relationship you have. So why wouldn't trust be in your relationship with God? I have struggled with this concept. How could I trust someone that I don't see? Or know exactly what He does for me everyday? I am very oblivious to all things. Literally, I don't get hints. So God's subtle appearance in my life goes right past me. So when bad things happens to me, how am I suppose to trust that God knows what He is doing? When every little thing He has done for me, I am completely unaware of and the suffering I am enduring seems unbearable.
Trusting people is a quality we all need a little work on. Trust the good in people. Trust that when you are having a hard day, or week, or month that God will make it all worth it and show you the purpose of all this suffering.
I am trusting the Lord, starting today. Trusting that when I don't pass a test, or don't get a job that I want, or I struggle to know who I am. That He is there, and that He has a reason for it all.


{Scriptures: Psalms 4:5, Psalms 34:8 and 22, 2 Corinthians 1:9}

All things boys;

We are gonna talk boys, because what girl doesn't like talking about boys?
This K-Love challenge has been eye-opening, and I love it! (1 week into it!!!)  The song that has gotten me thinking about boys, and marriage is the song "Lead Me" by Sanctus Real. I am in love with this song!
And being in college people all around me are getting engaged, starting families, and finding their soul mate. I am in a serious enough relationship that has me thinking about marriage and family and kids. Scariest thoughts I have ever had, because I have definitely never thought I would be so young when I would first have these thoughts.

My boyfriend and I's story is nothing short then a fairytale, but what girl doesn't think their story isn't a fairy tale? I met my dear boyfriend back in middle school, and he was my first kiss in 8th grade. Then we hardly talked during high school until our senior year when we had a class together. We then became close friends, and still saw other people. When Halloween of my freshman year of college came around, him and I started talking again. He came up one weekend to come see me, and then when I came home for winter break that year we started dating. We have been together for almost 5 months now, and I have never been happier. And I know, 5 months big deal. But you have to know that I don't do relationships, I never saw the point in being in a serious relationship before now because what was going to become of it? Nothing. So I only dated around, never really steadily dated a boy. So 5 months is a huge deal for me, and I couldn't ask for a better man to spend these past 5 months with. But lets not get ahead of ourselves, I do love him but I am only a freshman in college. I have so much more life to live before I settle down and start a family. But when that times comes I want to make sure I choose the right one.

I have always wanted a good family. My parents being divorced has given me great fears for marriage and bringing kids into a family that could be broken at some point. But I have read the bible, and prayed to God and I think I have found a fool-proof way to make sure your marriage survives.

Here is the all knowing, top secret way to have a good marriage. Your husband must put God before you. Yes, you read that right. Your hubby must love God more then he loves you. Okay, I am a very jealous person. I want my significant other to love me with everything they have, because I know I will love them just as much. But when I read this, I know that is the way to the happiest marriage ever. God should be the center of your lives, and you both should love God more then you love each other. Upon many other things you should do in your relationship, this is one of the most important thing you could do.

I want my family to be center around Christ. I want my kids to know God's love for them and to see that their parents love God and live their life by Christ. I want them to see the love we have for each other, and know that it is ever lasting because God is part of that love. The song "Lead Me" is pretty much sums up all of this.

"I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...

"Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone"

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're in independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying...

"Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone"

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone"

When it comes to knowing which man is "the one", ask God. He knows who is meant for you, He knows who will provide and bring you the greatest happiness. So ask Him, and He will answer you.

Finding true love is every girl's dream, and the way to find true love is through God. Ask Him, pick the right man, love God more then you love him, and make God a major part of your relationship and family. God has a plan, He knows what's best for you and He will tell you when you ask.

Someone Worth Dying For

So day one of my 30-day K-Love challenge has proven to bring tears to my eyes. I have found a song that just struck me because its literally exactly what I ask myself everyday. Am I worthy of His death? Did Jesus sacrificed himself for me? Do I get God's grace? This question haunts many of us in our lives. And sometimes the answer seems to be no, you are not worthy. But that is so not what Jesus taught.

God's love is vast and wide. His love is so great that one cannot even imagine the love He has for his children. And you are His child. All the sins you do in your life He already knows about, and loves you still. He sent his only begotten son so that you, one of an infinite number of souls, could return to His presence.

And if that makes you feel like a tiny dot on this huge piece of paper, think of yourself as your own unique color. And every person to have lived, living, or is going to live has their own unique color. So that colored dot that you are represents that God knows you, He has a specific plan for you, and He has hopes and dreams for you. He knows all the colors of all the dots so specifically that He knows the sins you have yet to commit. And wanna know an even crazier thing? HE STILL LOVES YOU.

After sinning, rather it be one time offense or a repeat offense, I constantly sit and ponder my worthiness of God's forgiveness. How could I, a person who knows of God and His commandments, be forgiven for breaking them? I get down on myself, I disobeyed God even though the commandments He set for us is not too difficult to follow. And just like that, I feel unworthy of Jesus's suffering. But Jesus suffered for our sins, so if no one is worthy of His suffering then what did Jesus suffer for? Or who did Jesus suffer for? You, and me.

The song "Someone Worth Dying For" by Mikeschair touched my heart.

"Am I more than flesh and bone?
Am I really something beautiful?
Yeah, I wanna believe
I wanna believe that

I'm not just some wandering soul
That You don't see and You don't know
Yeah, I wanna believe, Jesus, help me believe
That I am someone worth dying for."

Then it goes on...

"You're worth it, you can't earn it
Yeah, the cross has proven
That You're sacred and blameless
Your life has purpose

You are more than flesh and bone
Can't you see, you're something beautiful?
Yes, you gotta believe, you gotta believe
He wants you to see, He wants you to see

That you're not just some wandering soul
That can't be seen and can't be known
Yeah, you gotta believe, you gotta believe that you are
Someone worth dying for."

Know your value to God. Know that God has a plan for you. That no matter what you do in your life , good or bad, God still loves you and is waiting for you to return to Him. Just ask for forgiveness, repent, talk to God, and right your wrongs and you will be worthy of His death. You are a son/daughter of God and He knows you.

Start a New Beginning at the End of a Chapter:

So, I have absolutely no experience with writing a blog or sharing my thoughts with others. But as my freshman year of college comes to close I think it's best for me to share some of my experiences. Some are good, and some are...well not so good. But before I get too far ahead of myself, you need to know a couple things about me. 
I was born and raised in the Mormon religion, and no I don't have multiply mothers or anything weird like that. I was just raised in a stricter household. Rules that seemed normal to me growing up soon become strange and bizarre as I got older. Rules like no drinking coffee or anything contain caffeine, don't dress immodestly (like shorts about the knees, thick strap tank-tops are not acceptable). I grew up thinking having any physical contact with a boy before you were married was against God's will and I would go to hell. I was taught that Mormons were the only ones that could go to the highest level of heaven (yes there are levels in the Mormon religion), and in the highest level men would become Gods of their own world. I was taught that women were not suppose to know anything but how to raise children and keep the household kept and neat. My father is a very traditional man, and he believes strongly in these beliefs. I love my dad more then words can say, he is an amazing dad and he is a wonderful man. But as the years passed, I soon began to see the wrongs in the beliefs I was raised in.

At the age of 10 my parents got divorced, and mine and my two younger sibling's world turned upside down. 9 years later, things have finally settled down. Not only did my parents split up, my mom became a lesbian and we started to live with her girlfriend and her kids. Talk about a change in my world. I was raised to believe so strongly that being lesbian or gay was against God's will, and that he would send people to hell for it. Now, my absolutely amazing mother turned out to be gay. Talk about a shake in my beliefs. My teen years were rough. I switch houses, I kept going back and forth from the Mormon religion. I mean how could I belong to a church that condemned my mother to hell? My mom who taught me everything about the bible, who studied the bible every night and loved God more then any person I knew? How could my God, the merciful God I knew, send my mother to hell? It just didn't add up in my mind. But the Mormon religion is what I knew. It was comfort, and home and it was all I was taught to belief. 

For years I went through the motions at church. I lost my way, and didn't feel God anymore. I thought because of my situation He had forgotten me, and condemned me to live with a women who was bound to go to hell. I never felt peace, and I hated the way I was living. 

My senior year came along, and I finally found what I wanted in my life. I had amazing friends, and a best friend who helped me find God and know his love yet again. She doesn't know how much she helped me, but her constant love and her constant light that shone through her was what let me see God's love again. Senior year also brought college. Oh college. My father had already decided that I was going to go to BYU (Brigham Young University, Provo UT), a private Mormon college. I couldn't do that. I couldn't live through the Mormon culture, or beliefs anymore. I applied to other colleges and widen my horizon for colleges. I was so undecided where to go, I just felt because I hadn't had a dream college I would never find the college I belonged to. And then I came to a Minnesota college. It was perfect, and there was this peace inside me that I couldn't explain. I just knew this is where I needed to be. And my dad being the wonderful man that he is, he came with me on a tour and saw the love I had for this school. My decision was made, and my life was finally beginning. 

Before I left for school, I had a couple very hard things to do. First, I had to get my name taken off the records to the Mormon church. This was by far the hardest thing I had to do in my life. My bishop was a man that I had grown to respect and love. He helped me through so much and I just couldn't disappoint him. But I knew that this religion was not for me, and no matter who I hurt in the process, I knew that this is what God wanted me to do. The other thing I had to do was tell my father that I wasn't practicing Mormonism anymore. Not only had I picked a state school, I wasn't going to a Mormon church, and I wasn't dating Mormon boys. I imagined the look of disappoint on my father's face and it killed me. But I had to or the  constant pestering me about it would continue for the rest of my life. So I sat my father down and said bluntly "I am not Mormon anymore dad". Just like that, the words poured out of my mouth like the tears flowing from my eyes. My dad just looked at me, and said "You're still my daughter, and I love you and I wish you knew what I know but you will have to find it out for yourself. But know that I will never stop loving you, you are my daughter." This is why my dad is an amazing father, loves unconditionally. 

So, just like that my life finally began and I knew what I wanted in my life. I found my God again, the God that doesn't hate or discriminate. So where does that leave me now?

Well I am currently not attending any churches, I read the bible when I can and I have found the most amazing man to share my life with. But I have so far yet to go. 

Today, I took the K-Love 30 day challenge. 30-days of just listening to christian music. This will be a challenge, since summer is upon us I have the desire to listen to country music all day, every day. But this challenge will hopefully help me get closer to God. 

So here goes nothing, I am gonna start this journey and see where it takes me. There is a lot of things I have yet to learn, but the lesson I have learned are invaluable and I wouldn't change my life for anything. 

My siblings and I at Myrtle Beach this spring break. My brother, Jake, and my sister, Ali.